Wear Clean Draws  (because there’s 5 million ways to kill a ceo)

since today is shameless belly button lint day, i must tell you about my bionic nails. i have never been one to actually have nails of any sort of presence. the onlly time i had nails was when pregnant. they were strong.

otherwise, they are too weak. crack easily, chip, peel, etc. never mind nail polish. i’d sit down for a day of beauty and paint my nails every once in awhile - in the past. i’d blow and blow and blow to get them to set. i’d try to stay still for awhile. never failed, i’d do something - read a book, cook, wash dishes, wevs — and i’d smudge the polish or dent it or something.

even when, last year was it? i finally got a manicure for the first time in my life. yes, i hadn’t even gotten out of the salon and i’d managed to smudge the polish! i was bummed. not even professional treatment did the trick. i just apparently do way too much with my hands and can’t sit still long enough to have nicely polished nails.

living all my life with little attention paid to my nails, whatever. maybe i just treat them badly. i don’t know how other women actually *do* anything and have nice nails. how to you clean, wash dishes, read, garden, etc. without messing up your nails?

alas, i notice that it’s kind of a requirement as a professional woman to have presentable nails. not universal. some women have bitten to the quick nails. but the more put together women do have manicured nails. so when i have to go on an interview? i get my nails done.

a couple months ago before the interview with gray lady, i was told about gel nails.

dewds, these are fucking awesome. i came home with gel nails and i proceeded to dig and shove and pack and you name it. I was doing all kinds of things which, in the past, would have ruined my polish. Hell, I was doing stuff trying to pack my bags that might have normally broken or chipped a nail.

not with my bionic nails!

wasn’t always sure i liked ‘em. they’re thick. stuff collects under your nails more easily - it seems. although that may just be something that also happens with longer nails, which i’ve only ever experienced with gel nails.

sure don’t like the price! i let them grow out. i tried painting them myself, to cover up the regrowth. what a disaster!

so then in prep for another interview, i went ahead and got bionic nails again, only this time a french manicure. i was always kinda wishy washy about those. i usually didn’t like them on women when i saw them.

well, i like what she did to my awesomely fab bionic nails. not that i have good hands or nails or anything like that. but they look.. so fucking kewl to me! and i can tap and drum and do whatever to these suckers: nothing breaks, chips, cracks, nips them. nothing. i could sit there and open 100 pop tops in a row: the nails would be like steel I swear.

i was thinking about how awesome it is to have a body part that is damn near resilient to all many of wear and tear. i got my haircut the other night, telling my stylist, K, about the gel nails. I confided: “I can totally understand why it would be fun to get nearly everything faked out. Laser it off. Silicone them up. Tattooed makeup. etc. Bionic everything man. Make it invincible. Replace it all with something that doesn’t chip, crack, sag, yellow, wrinkle, grow out, and/or frizz out.

I was just kidding of course. but it gave me more insight into one reason why people like to do this stuff.